Transient Confidence

I've mentioned in earlier posts that I started running to get in control of my body and reverse some unhealthy changes that had occurred. I felt this huge surge of self-esteem and ownership over myself and my body and my actions. I was looking forward to riding this emotional high the rest of my life and using it to fuel my continued self-improvement.

The last couple of months have helped me appreciate how fragile that state can be. Losing weight felt great over the past year, but gaining two pounds around Christmas felt absolutely devastating. I felt like I had reversed all of my progress, and was back to the big girl I was a couple of years ago. Rolling my ankle on the trails shouldn't have been that surprising, but I saw it as a sign of complete inadequacy. The solid self-esteem I had before totally crumbled, and for some reason I wasn't able to use that to pull myself through the challenges.

I can't coast with this. My confidence is only going to give back what I put into it. My running is only going to be a source of strength if I keep working to strengthen it. I can't rely on it to serve me if I'm not working to maintain it. That was made incredibly obvious to me here.